He Was A Fairytale

he was a fairytale in my mind for a very long time.

i had woken up from a dream of his smile. one i will never forget. 

the image of his face and those bushy brows, his bright eyes but most importantly, 

the way his heart spoke to mine. in just that short scene in a dream;

him driving, me in the passenger seat,

I had fallen in love with something that wasn't my reality. 

maybe it's too far-fetched for me to reach him here and that was another dimension 

or a glimpse into another life. 

one where I'm not laying with a stranger, both empty inside holding on to a love.

hope, under the guise of stability. 

i decided to focus on where i am and i wrote him off as just a memory. 

then one day-

it's crazy because ironically this was the day i felt the power of my own touch, 

sitting nestled above the grass, held by the roots and branches of the avocado tree, 

the sun making its way down to my hands and then 

my index finger began to trace every line in my feet. 

as this self-massage got deeper 

all the places these feet had carried me surrounded my mind. 

the love I begin to feel for myself is truly indescribable.. 

that same day I hopped in my car, whipped around at the light

and made a u-turn into walmart's parking lot

to grab some kimchi of all things. 

it was like slow motion really. 

in the middle of the u-turn I looked up and saw him smiling that smile

at me, and my heart stopped. 

like it literally stopped. 

and when I came to I was in his arms..

in his embrace. 

he had been teaching me to timeline jump, 

one act of self-love at a time. 

and as i sit here writing this i vaguely remember a life before him. 

the details of people's faces miss me, 

but I always remember the state of my heart when my index finger begins to trace the lines in my feet. 

maybe he taught me that, or it was in me the entire time.

something to do so that I will always remember 

at times when I feel lost in my current world. 

the first time we argued i smiled and he knew exactly why. 

life was teaching me that he wasn't just a far-fetched fairytale.

and entirely more than a figment of my imagination.

his own magical being with lives lived and many perspectives different from my own.

i had come to appreciate how he came into my life.

in a dream, in a car, moving.

we were going places, and in this moment we chose to journey together.

in the next we could very well be apart 

but the love would always carry us.

whenever i miss you too much i massage my feet,

index finger tracing one line at a time until i transcend.