Why Do You Keep Choosing A Broken Heart?

It’s a hard pill to swallow when you realize you are the reason for your own heartbreak. The tears, the panic attacks, the sleepless nights—And all the confusion that could have been avoided if only you had taken heed to that first red flag and the next one and the one after that one.

This doesn’t take away from the fact that the other person may have very well been a gaslighting sociopath, but what does it say when you repeatedly choose partners who bring dysfunction?

Yearning for love so desperately that you construct fantasies in your mind and project them onto unsuspecting lovers without their consent—perhaps the real gaslighting is of your own creation. Gaslighting yourself into subpar situations with weak connections. We become masters of self-deception. The desire, the desperation to love and be loved will have you settling for unrecognizable versions of yourself. Versions created out of trauma and low self-esteem. Was it worth it?

Inviting unequally yoked energies into the sweetest corners of your sanctuary, sprinkling holy water, hoping for a blessing. We cling to the idea of finding our person, even when we know deep down that they’re not the one. It becomes a pattern inherited from generations past—sacrificing self-worth for the illusion of intimacy.

Delusion becomes the thing masquerading as hope. Hoping for something you've yet to see proof or promise of getting. You would think the awareness would bring it all to a halt. Yet, you don’t stop. You can’t. Your mama didn’t raise no quitter so you have to see it though. It’s what you've seen yo mama do. Sacrificing self-esteem in exchange for a body lying next to you. The more you try to make a mountain out of the molehill of a connection, the less you remember who you are. You don’t even recognize you. Looking into mirrors feels strange because you can no longer bear to look yourself in the eye—all you see is betrayal.

Now your heart is broken but was it ever healed? You’re still slippin’ on milk yo daddy spilled. The heart beats beating out of your chest like they tryna escape, has your heart ever felt safe? Tears running down your face but that means nothing because you are still emotionally unavailable, emotionally unstable, emotionally unable to love or be loved because you were never taught that. Summoning the dysfunction of another to avoid facing your own. Exhausting. How much longer will you run from you? Would you even recognize love if it revealed itself to you? Finding comfort in chaos because it’s all you've ever known. Hurt and disappointment are all you've ever been shown. So, you keep saying yes to heartbreak.

Are you done yet? Going against yourself. Wallowing in longing. At any time, you can stop. You can stop writing stories that end with you holding your heart. You deserve better. Using affirmations as bandaids for gunshot wounds. Attempting to conceal the pain that goes back way before you formed in the womb. It runs deep. But how’s your heart? At any time, you can make a different choice. So, why do you keep choosing a broken heart?